A different viewpoint

It's curious how I'm blogging now, considering how I'm sick and all. This cold has been haunting me since the day before, or even for months, where I've been having this irritating blocked nose and thus not being able to appreciate food fully.

And yet, this cold has brought me something other than discomfort, and that is the chance to truly take a break and reflect on life lately.

This might seem oddly contradictory to my previous blog post, since I talked about how we should be working so very hard in this semester. However, after two weeks of school, it suddenly occurred to me how infused I am into this rat race without even realizing it.

And as I look upon what I've garnered so far, I must say that the knowledge obtained in the past two weeks have been mediocre at best. Despite my efforts to truly love what I'm learning, I can't help but admit that I've been constraining myself too much, and forcing myself to study ineffectively for far too long.

I used to be able to simply read through my notes once, reflect deeply, and that's it. I've completely absorbed the knowledge required. Lately though, I feel myself glossing through the pages, trying to swallow everything just so I could do well in the exams. It feels like I'm putting more effort into spending more time on mugging instead of focusing on quality mugging.

And I believe I've found out why partially. 

I've always looked upon myself as a practical, independent person. and it truly surprised me how dependent I've become lately. 

First, I've become too dependent on time. As I try to plan my way through reading up on my textbook and doing tutorials, I've been calculating the time needed for each activity. And this is in fact what is ruining me. I love the times in Semester 1 when I could simply head to the TV room, take out my tutorial, and spend hours on it without interruption. Simply cause I loved doing my English Language tutorial so much. (There was even once where I worked till 4am without realizing!) It was the same for Psychology when I simply walked over to the study room at night and just started reading through 1 chapter for so very long. It was those times where there were no restrictions, where I felt the freedom to relax and study that the knowledge retained became permanent.

Lately though, things have not been this way at all. I've been trying to compartmentalize very waking moment to be effective, and yes this could work for others, but definitely not me. What I've failed to realize is that I work best when focused on one thing for hours instead of juggling multiple subjects per night and trying to get the best out of everything. 

Second, I've become too dependent on friends. I know that this isn't a bad thing per se, however, the fact remains that it's better for me to have more time alone. I've been so caught up with going out and meeting up with everyone that I'm starting to feel I'm missing the point of why am I doing so. Am I having outings for the sake of having them? I certainly hope not. I do want an enriched university life, but I'm starting to feel that I'm going about it the wrong way.

The same issue applies to studying with friends. When studying with friends, I can't help but feel that I'm studying for the sake of studying instead of doing it for myself. I certainly hope that I can twitch my mindset when with them since I really like studying together, but if it still doesn't work, I guess more time alone is the way to go. Perhaps the sense of urgency has simply not set in yet, since I can still remember clearly how effective studying at Candice's place was. 

Lastly, before this university life jumped on me, I've been contented having part-time jobs and giving tuition. I truly enjoyed life for what it is. I had a wonderful internship and really learnt a lot. I came into NUS with the expectation that things would get better, that I would be studying what I love for the sake of my career as an Industrial-Organizational Psychologist or even to explore other career options.

However, it often hits me that I've not been living up to my own pre-uni expectations. Perhaps it's not the environment or the circumstances, but me who've changed. I've become too nonchalant and have been simply moving through the motion. My CCAs are definitely taking up some time but they are not engaging me much at all. I miss being in the workforce, I miss having good bosses and colleagues, I miss excelling at what I do and earning at the same time for my contributions. Most of all, I miss the practical skills, the applicable knowledge to the current working world which I so desire and need.

Perhaps it's time to truly buck up and emotionally mature to properly pursue my career paths, get an awesome job I love in the future instead of simply finding a job for the financial interests involved. Which is partially why I opted myself out of Biz/Acc even though I know I would be good at it. 

Yet, at the same time, I truly hope that I can continue to remain optimistic, to appreciate what I already have. After all, it's not the kind of life that matters, but the mindset which you approach life with. 

Be optimistic all. :)