Hard.

It is always after the happiest moment that sadness arrives, and when you are so caught up in it, the happiness that came before will never be reflected upon again. But every time the sadness arrives, the memories of them are never washed away.

One of my best friends told me to ask myself: what am I fighting for? Seriously, I seem to have no idea and it feels like I'm fighting for nothing, which makes everything meaningless. When you don't have a goal, things become so much harder to tackle and it's even harder to just get a better view of things.

Promised myself not to feel this way, and I remember occasions of this promise throughout my past blog posts, but sadness seems to always supersede happiness.

I know you know, since I don't believe in my inability to express myself so openly. A fake smile is hard, but a true smile is even harder. That's what I meant by the truth gets in the way of lies. Sometimes, you just want to continuing lying to yourself since the truth just hurts more than it seems.

Either I'm being emotionally immature, or I'm thinking into things too deeply to blind myself from the truth. Whatever it is, this is considered another lesson learnt, and however hard it is, I will not be convinced that life sucks, life goes on and I shall await the surprises it brings me.

No matter how hard the going can be, I know I'm not walking through all these alone. Compared to many others, I'm the fortunate one. If I still fail to learn from my mistake, I will not only be disappointing myself but also many around me.

Thanks lots for all the support I received during my times of need from most of my friends and allowing myself to express my innermost thoughts to the people I trust is all I need to feel somehow better.

Although I don't really know if anyone truly understand my feelings, but if they truly do understand, I hope they can also express it to me and don't feel shy about it. I want quality in terms of friendship, not quantity, and I'm so fortunate I found quality in quantities.

If you truly think you're the one I'm referring to, please take the initiative to clarify matters. I don't want all action and no talk since actions might not reflect the truth. Although I always act like I don't notice small issues, the fact is that they get to me as much as they can get to you. Not pointing them out doesn't mean I'm ignoring whatever is happening. I just hope someone would take the initiative and I don't want to be the one to do so, since when has it not been my job to do so every time something goes wrong?

So happy that there was no school today, and we had interview lessons and dining etiquette lessons. Everything was quite fun, although I can only enjoy them on the surface during this phase.

Life can really be so hard that you find it hard to breath in, and that gives me the urge to want to merge with nature somehow and begin my meditation. It feels really good to be alone at times and just communing with nature seems to cure all wounds, just as how time heal all wounds.

In 10 years time, this incident would certainly not be within my everyday attention, but I do know the scar left behind will forever be there. And whenever a wound near the scar is found, everything comes back to haunt you somehow. Getting that feeling currently, seriously, why is my subconscious making me withstand such emotional trauma again and again.

Maybe this is truly the quest to the truth, and in order to carry on in my life, I have to understand the truth and walk through it.

Somehow, while I'm at home, the only joy I receive currently is by looking at my birthday presents. They mean so much to me seriously and I love every single one of them especially my favorite pink pooh. :)

Somehow, I would love to be optimistic this time, but there's nothing to be optimistic about other than the fact that I learnt another good lesson in life. I might not seem to appreciate the small efforts put in, but in truth I do, and with this, I'm giving much gratitude and apologies to the people around me. Love you all. :)

Hope tomorrow will be the start of something new, and please don't let fate keep me chained in the past. I need to move on, and I know I will. With your support, nothing is impossible for me. :) I believe in trust and I believe trust constitutes all my ideals. After all, being idealistic is my forte. :) Love you forever. :)

To Zanarkand is such a cool song. In case you have no idea, you're listening to it right now. Heheh, I love the song so much, seems to me that I can now relate to this song even better. :) Maybe I have moved on in life after all.

Be optimistic all! :)